if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Vodka?
Forever.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
