you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
