My sheets look like a crime scene.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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