You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
