woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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