ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
