Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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