Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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