i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
