I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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