You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
