He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
