you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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