Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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