What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
dude. I can hear the air.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
