Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Are my feet made of real feet?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
