I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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