If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
