Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
