I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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