giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
