just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
