I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
