she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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