I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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