Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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