Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
