Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
