Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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