I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
