Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
