Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found puke in my bra..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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