I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
