You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Please don't give away my fajitas
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
