new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I could make wine with my vomit
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
