I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
