Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
