I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dignity is for republicans.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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