we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just high enough for therapy.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
