he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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