that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
