if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
