ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The air was thick with penises
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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