I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
