I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
