Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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