Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
