My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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