Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
