my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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